I’d said I love you to two other girls. Once because
it was the perfect sounding thing in a particular moment. Once because I thought
it actually was love. But that was nothing compared to what I felt for Sarah. I
knew early that I could spend a lifetime with her. I certainly didn’t feel assured
that would happen. She was brilliant, beautiful, just an absolute treasure of a
person, and she had a pretty clear idea of what she wanted to do in life. In
the moment, back then, I told myself that I wasn’t sure I deserved her – but in
retrospect, I can better articulate that fear by saying I wasn’t sure I could
keep up with her.
We broke up in University, not something I wanted but it was
the right thing for us at the time. I dealt with this situation by drinking a
little, wallowing a little, and then pushing my deepest feelings for her way
way down into the pit of my stomach. Those feelings sat there
unacknowledged through all of the friendly phonecalls and visits, through all
of the ways we reconnected but still stayed apart. Then after one particular
weekend visit, Sarah emailed to say, “Crazy idea, what if we got back together?”
(That’s the condensed and paraphrased version.) A couple days later, we were a
couple again -- and that was intense. Because there was no holding back.
When we’d first started dating, I would joke (but not joke) about getting
married, and Sarah would always shut that talk down because there was University
and distance and a dozen unknowns. We weren’t through all of the unknowns, but
we knew that if were getting back together then it had better be forever. We talked
marriage and we talked kids and we were deeper and truly in love.
We came close to breaking up once after that. Sarah was in
grad school and I had started working. I don’t remember what specific problems
we were having, what fight we had that night, or what brought us to the edge in
the first place. I just remember things were precarious. But we had some family
commitments coming up – a couple of weddings, I think. And we agreed, whatever
state our relationship was in, we had these commitments to keep. We’d just have
to push through and see how we were doing when we got to the other side. It was
such a strange, awful time because we don’t do that – we don’t let problems sit
unexplored, just crossing our fingers hoping they’d get better. But I know why
we did press things. We knew that a second break up wouldn’t be like the first.
If we broke up again, we’d be out of one another’s lives completely. Not friends.
No real contact. Nothing.
But clearly we made it through. And just like I can’t
remember how things got so precarious, I don’t remember specifically how they
got better, I just remember that they just did.
Since then, we’ve had higher highs and lower lows, but the trajectory
has been one of overall improvement. I was so right to want this girl in my
life forever. She has made me better, made me try harder, helped me see myself,
helped me see her. Sarah, you are joy to know and to share a life with. No
worldly fortune could match your worth to me.
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