Touch You Last

Our computer is on the fritz. One morning, the warm glowing warming glow of the power button failed us, providing not the power it had so oft advertised. The guy on the Dell helpline was pretty patient in walking me through the dismantling of the computer so I could rip things out a piece at a time, until we determined it was definitely the power source. He could not, however, figure out how to spell my last name. “McCabe? McGlavin?” Even when I started to spell it out he couldn't help but keep guessing. “ M… c… L…” “McLube? It’s McLube, isn’t it?” A new power source is on our way courtesy of eBay, but until then we’ll be rocking my laptop. I’ll be leaving the house a lot less and getting a lot less exercise. This is not because I’m ill or lazy (well, a little because I’m lazy). We just got The Movie Network. (For my American peeps, that’s like Canadian HBO). My movie watching street cred is about to skyrocket. I’ll actually start seeing movies less than thirty years after they we...

5. Chappelle’s Show: Season Two, “Charley Murphy’s True Hollywood Stories: Rick James” The skit: Cast member Charley Murphy (also Eddie’s older brother) relates the tale of the three times he was forced to beat the shit out of Rick James. The story and the reenactment are interspersed with clips of Rick James himself, disputing the incidents and offering his own take. Why it’s great: For the most part, I’ve tried to avoid the clips and episodes of TV that are universally lauded, but I couldn’t resist including this one. I think what surprised me most is that “I’m Rick James, bitch!” is the least funny part. (The slow-mo bionic kick is the bit that kills me in particular.) Clip: No problems getting this one. It’s everywhere. 4. Arrested Development: Season Three, “Mr. F” The episode: (This one’s doozy.) Michael has an important meeting with Japanese investors and needs them to believe that the Bluth Company has completed construction on homes it hasn’t yet begun building. The constr...

10. Mr. Show – Season Two, “Three Times One Minus One” The Scene: Pootie T. and Wolfgang Amadeus Thelonius Van Funkenmeister The 19th and 3 Quarters debut their single, “Ewww, Girl, Ewww.” During an interview on the WPCBCN (White People Co-opting Black Culture Network), they discuss the difficulties of being white performers that borrow black culture for their music. Why it’s great: The completely ridiculous song, Pootie’s lollipop, “Damn,” the sex, the fact that the girl still dies in the end?!?… so, pretty much everything. I’ve watched precious little Mr. Show, so I’m sure there are other skits that deserve mention that I don’t even know about. This one slayed me, though. Clip: Damn. By which I mean: yes. 9. Extras – Season One, “Patrick Stewart” The Scene: Andy is cast as an extra in an Elizabethan drama staring Patrick Stewart. During a break, Andy sneaks into the star’s trailer with the script for a comedy pilot in his hands. He asks Stewart if he would take a look at t...

15. Family Guy: Season Three, “Breaking Out is Hard to Do” The Scene: After enjoying the thrill of stealing something, Lois becomes a hard-core kleptomaniac. Brian encourages her to return all the things she’s taken, and while they’re loading up the van, he suggests that she should see a counsellor. “You know, he really helped Peter out when he was obsessed with that fantasy world of his,” Brian says. Cut to… Why it’s great: Your mileage may vary on this one, but it makes me laugh every time I see it. (And I’ve seen it about 80 times. AND I’ve never even seen The Neverending Story.) Clip: YEAH! 14. OZ: Season Four, “You Bet Your Life” The Scene: A corrupt Em City administrator has struck a deal with Adebisi, offering him whatever he’d like (drugs, AV equipment?) in exchange for his assurance that there’ll be no more murders. Adebisi keeps his promise, but this puts the entire unit under his thumb, and he’s getting away with anything short of murder. To put an end to things, Said fi...

20: Degrassi High: School’s Out The story: In a TV movie meant to serve as a finale to the series, the Degrassi gang gets together for what should be one last shits-and-giggles summer before moving on with their lives. Defying fans expectations that this might just involve Zit Remedy putting together one last blowout concert, Joey cheats on Caitlin, Wheels goes to jail for drunk driving, and Lucy ends up paraplegic. Why it’s great: This show absolutely blew my mind. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing: onscreen second and forth base, Caitlin saying the word “fuck,” and a heavier ending than any fan could have imagined. Everyone at my high school was shell-shocked the day after this aired. Clip: I wish. 19. Alias: Season 3, “Façade” The scene: Vaughan is trapped on a plane along with a bomb that’s set to explode if the plane drops below a certain altitude. Back at HQ, the rest of the Alias gang are working over the bomb-maker, trying to get him to disable the device. Despite threat...

That’s a bold title there, and probably untrue. The Ebert of television I am not. In fact, I have no qualifications that would give me the right to make this kind of list. But that’s not going to stop me. Rest assured that while my choices may not be well informed, they’re also not arbitrary. These are moments in TV that I loved, that freaked me out, or that I was amazed by. In some cases I’ve chosen an entire episode, but for some it’s a single scene that makes it great. This list is entirely personal, and sure to have huge gaps. So, apologies in advance to fans of Rome, The Wire, Homicide: Life on the Street, News Radio, Battlestar Galactica, Serenity, Black Adder, and any other good series that I’ve never seen an episode of. In a perfect world, I’d have YouTube clips for each of these. That’s part of the reason I’m posting this in five segments: so that the top end of this list will be decked out in YouTube finery (unlike the bottom). 25. Night Court: Season Four, “A Day in the Life...

After watching The Amazing Race last night, I was reminded of something I’d buried deep within my subconscious: I hate hippies. I really do. All of them: from Jerry Garcia to that waiter at your favourite vegan restaurant. It’s not nice of me, I know, but it’s a fact. The Amazing Race is back to form, and while I haven’t figured out which teams I’m rooting for yet, I sure as hell know that I don’t want the filthy hippies to win. I’m told that BJ and Tyler are fun and that they make a good team. This information comes from Sarah, who watched minus the crimson veil of rage I was wearing. I tried to like them, I did, but then in their profile they were shown perched on the edge of some structure, playing what must have been a ukulele, and swinging their dirty, bare feet over the edge, and that was it. The dirty feet. My blood pressure: skyrocketing. My fists: swinging in the air at nothing. In the interest of full disclosure, this prejudice can be traced back to my third year o...

Me as I write this: I’ve got Spike TV’s Most Irresistible Women on in the background. I’m finding that this show preys upon a two things I’m fond of: lists and very attractive women. I can get behind Spike. I’m not really a guy’s guy (so, not 95% driven by cars, sports, and arse), but every time I turn to this channel I have no trouble watching whatever’s on: MXC, The Ultimate Fighter, old bad Schwarzenegger movies—it’s all gold. I love when things are ranked. Rank your books, rank your friends, rank your nuts—I love it! It’s telling, and the arguments that come out of it are a blast. What do we have on the show so far here: Eva Mendes, Scarlett Johansen, Gisele, Eva Longoria. They’re not part of my top five, but I can see what the fuss is about. And while we’re on it, I really can’t stand when people (guys in particular) take a girl who is universally agreed as being gorgeous and say “She’s ugly! I don’t know what people see in her.” I get that Britney Spears is vapid, has a taste for...