Touch You Last

10. Mr. Show – Season Two, “Three Times One Minus One” The Scene: Pootie T. and Wolfgang Amadeus Thelonius Van Funkenmeister The 19th and 3 Quarters debut their single, “Ewww, Girl, Ewww.” During an interview on the WPCBCN (White People Co-opting Black Culture Network), they discuss the difficulties of being white performers that borrow black culture for their music. Why it’s great: The completely ridiculous song, Pootie’s lollipop, “Damn,” the sex, the fact that the girl still dies in the end?!?… so, pretty much everything. I’ve watched precious little Mr. Show, so I’m sure there are other skits that deserve mention that I don’t even know about. This one slayed me, though. Clip: Damn. By which I mean: yes. 9. Extras – Season One, “Patrick Stewart” The Scene: Andy is cast as an extra in an Elizabethan drama staring Patrick Stewart. During a break, Andy sneaks into the star’s trailer with the script for a comedy pilot in his hands. He asks Stewart if he would take a look at t...

You’ve got access to some kind of programming super nerd who’ll offer up a week of his time to redesign your blog. If you can imagine it, he can do it. How would your blog look and work when all was said and done?

15. Family Guy: Season Three, “Breaking Out is Hard to Do” The Scene: After enjoying the thrill of stealing something, Lois becomes a hard-core kleptomaniac. Brian encourages her to return all the things she’s taken, and while they’re loading up the van, he suggests that she should see a counsellor. “You know, he really helped Peter out when he was obsessed with that fantasy world of his,” Brian says. Cut to… Why it’s great: Your mileage may vary on this one, but it makes me laugh every time I see it. (And I’ve seen it about 80 times. AND I’ve never even seen The Neverending Story.) Clip: YEAH! 14. OZ: Season Four, “You Bet Your Life” The Scene: A corrupt Em City administrator has struck a deal with Adebisi, offering him whatever he’d like (drugs, AV equipment?) in exchange for his assurance that there’ll be no more murders. Adebisi keeps his promise, but this puts the entire unit under his thumb, and he’s getting away with anything short of murder. To put an end to things, Said fi...

20: Degrassi High: School’s Out The story: In a TV movie meant to serve as a finale to the series, the Degrassi gang gets together for what should be one last shits-and-giggles summer before moving on with their lives. Defying fans expectations that this might just involve Zit Remedy putting together one last blowout concert, Joey cheats on Caitlin, Wheels goes to jail for drunk driving, and Lucy ends up paraplegic. Why it’s great: This show absolutely blew my mind. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing: onscreen second and forth base, Caitlin saying the word “fuck,” and a heavier ending than any fan could have imagined. Everyone at my high school was shell-shocked the day after this aired. Clip: I wish. 19. Alias: Season 3, “Façade” The scene: Vaughan is trapped on a plane along with a bomb that’s set to explode if the plane drops below a certain altitude. Back at HQ, the rest of the Alias gang are working over the bomb-maker, trying to get him to disable the device. Despite threat...

That’s a bold title there, and probably untrue. The Ebert of television I am not. In fact, I have no qualifications that would give me the right to make this kind of list. But that’s not going to stop me. Rest assured that while my choices may not be well informed, they’re also not arbitrary. These are moments in TV that I loved, that freaked me out, or that I was amazed by. In some cases I’ve chosen an entire episode, but for some it’s a single scene that makes it great. This list is entirely personal, and sure to have huge gaps. So, apologies in advance to fans of Rome, The Wire, Homicide: Life on the Street, News Radio, Battlestar Galactica, Serenity, Black Adder, and any other good series that I’ve never seen an episode of. In a perfect world, I’d have YouTube clips for each of these. That’s part of the reason I’m posting this in five segments: so that the top end of this list will be decked out in YouTube finery (unlike the bottom). 25. Night Court: Season Four, “A Day in the Life...

We woke up Saturday morning with a few cobwebs on the brain, but not so bad considering the drink we’d consumed the night before . First order of business was to check out the Big Nickel , which beats the Big Apple , the Snow Countess , and the Giant Tire for Best Big Thing I Have Seen . In the process, we got the chance to drive by giant piles of slag (not that kind of slag , this kind of slag ) which apparently glows like an alien landing when they pour it out late at night. After this, we went shopping for clothes, exploiting Leanne’s staff discount all over Sudbury (okay, just at the one store). It was cold and a little misty, so we headed back for jackets, and then Leanne directed us to Onaping Falls . On our way there, the gentle mist turned into a mighty downpour, so we hung out in the car until the weather improved. Then we had a short hike, checked out the falls, climbed over rain-slicked rocks, and someone who was not me fell on her butt. Next, we bunkered down at Leanne’s...

I feel like a sack of hammers today. After getting back from Sudbury (more on that later), I spent the afternoon and evening reading Armada submissions—which must have bled into my subconscious because I had awful nightmares last night. The first and worst had me on some kind of prison work program. I was in the back of a van with three other prisoners, on our way to go pick up garbage at the side of the highway or something, and this creepy fucker kept threatening me with a shiv he’d snuck on board. When I wouldn’t go along with… certain ideas he had, he cut my Achilles tendon. I woke up right afterward, totally freaked out. About an hour later I finally managed to drift off again, and ended up in a kind of War of the Worlds scenario. Not nearly as scary, that one, but it was super-long and totally exhausting. So, dreams. What are you dreaming about these days? Or are you even dreaming at all?

Well, that title’s not true for a number of reasons: - there was no bingo - the girls were also getting stinko - it’s now a Sudbury Saturday morning We’re up in ‘ the Bury ’ right visiting Leanne and her brand spanking new (for us, anyway) fiancé, Derek. Their hosting abilities get an A+ so far due to a good dinner, freely offered beer, a quick tour of the city, and freely flowing jagermeister. Sadly, Derek had to work this morning, so he only got to watch, but he’ll get his turn to be stinko tonight. I was hoping I could see the wonders of the ‘beer ball,’ (a phenomenon localized only to Northern Ontario), but rumour has it that said ball contains two cases of beer, so maybe we’ll save that for another time. That’s it for now. We’re off to lick the big nickel and abuse Leanne’s employee discount. Later.

Name one of your favourite moments in television. It could be an entire episode or single scene. In fact, it doesn't even have to be episodic television in particular. It could be that time Rob Lowe sang a duet with Snow White at the Academy Awards. We won’t judge (much). If it’s a TVO/PBS documentary, hurrah for you. If it’s Passions , well… thanks for sharing. (FYI - I'll be writing a post around this topic, and while I don’t intend to poach ideas off you, I can’t promise that I won’t.)

How was this year’s trip different than last ? A lot more booze and a shitload more paddling. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Point form worked well last year, so let’s not mess with a good thing. On the way down, Isha and I decide to forgo the International Meeting Place in Eganville so as not to taint the sweet memory of last year’s visit (or because 3PM is too early for dinner). Instead, we stop at a Mr. Sub in Barry’s Bay . While it doesn’t have all the local flavour of the IMP, we take a mean sort of enjoyment from two sashes nailed up on the wall: one for some local beauty pageant (Miss Snow Countess or Miss Cherry Jubilee or something), and the other which reads simply, “Mrs. Mr. Sub.” Awwwwww. Later that night, Dennis and Lorraine arrive with their new(ish) black lab, Farley, in tow. Jorge doles out bag after bag of jerky, which we’d preordered off him through his top secret jerky connection. Between the lot of us, we have seven pounds of the stuff. This is not an exaggeratio...

I'm back, showered, shorn, and more or less exhausted. I'll have more on the trip at a later date, though. I don't have enough juice in me to even offer a Reader's Digest version, but suffice to say it was a good time. But enough about me, it's time to talk about Beth . Long before this time tomorrow, Beth will have soundly beaten the crap out of Science. She will have punched Science in its withered, old, white man's genitals over and over until it vomits up a Ph.D. for her. (I've never been to a Ph.D. thesis defence before, but it goes something like that as is my understanding.) Good luck, Beth. You rule! (And love to Sarah, who's over there to witness it all.)

In less than 24 hours, I’ll be hitting the road on the way to Algonquin Park , which I’m hoping will be bear-free (yes, the entire park) and somewhat cooler than the nine-thousand degrees it currently is in Ottawa (yes, just in Ottawa ). Characteristically, I’ve left everything to the last minute: the packing, the directions, picking up beer, gassing up the car... Hopefully Isha won’t read this before we leave. I’d like her to maintain some level of confidence in my ability to drive somewhere without Sarah prompting on every turn. It was this same trip a year ago where I first met Isha. We’d never even seen each other before (having been set up as travel pals by other friends on the trip), and while the ride got off to a rough start—with my almost driving straight into the gaping jaws of hell… twice—we had a great time. I don’t think I’ve ever realized I had so many common interests with another person so quickly in my entire life. Now a year has passed and I...