Skip to main content
Operation Crib Assembly takes place tomorrow. Actually, we've got a number of tasks that will fill up our Saturday, but putting a crib together is the biggest one because it's the most difficult, frustrating bit of assembly you'll ever perform in your entire life. Allegedly.

For the record, I am not remotely worried about this task, but I've had at least four people warn and/or taunt me about it. "Oh boy. That's gonna take forever." "You're going to hate it and hate everyone around you by the time you're done." "I hope you've got beer in the fridge." Now I'm not claiming to be the handiest guy in the world, but how hard can this shit be? Does it involve welding? Do I have to assemble hydraulics? What is this secret complicating factor that I'm not aware of it? I'm not going to beat any world records putting this thing together, but if it has instructions and none of the parts are missing, I can probably figure things out. Sarah's parents are coming over and her dad will be helping me out. If the two of us are on the job and we still have trouble, well maybe I'm just not qualified to have this kid.

As a bonus, I'll have access to Ray's Magic Bag of Tools. This Bag was so named after we borrowed it to assemble all our new furniture when we first moved to Ottawa. It's a heavy canvas bag full of tool miscellany, and it just seems that anything you ever need is in there.
"Does the Magic Bag of Tools have any wood glue?"
"Yup."
"How about wire strippers?"
"You bet?"
"Geez... what about a level?"
"A small one, but yes."
"A brass screw-platted caster?"
"Four of them."
"What about an entire lathe?"
"He does. But it needs some assembly."

Comments

Anonymous said…
I've never understood the "crib assembly menace" thing.

I mean, our crib was used, and had no instructions, and it didn't take very long at all.

I think most people like to make new parents scared.

Once they figured out that trying to scare me involved their crotches hurting from the introdicktion of my boot, the stupid stories stopped.

Popular posts from this blog

Menopause-Themed Slot Machines = Awesome

We sleep in a little, then leave our bags with the bell desk and check out. Hauling ass to Cravings (the buffet at Mirage), we get there two minutes after the lunch prices come into play, but the cashier is a sweetheart and gives us breakfast prices anyways. There’s mediocre sushi, very good Chinese, and decent Italian, plus breakfast items which we avoid like the plague. After this, we head through Harrah’s and catch the monorail heading South. Having rocked the entire North end of the strip the day before, this last day is our chance to show the South end a good time, and not call it in the morning.

Popping into MGM, we have a second crack at Studio City. This time, it’s a preview for an animated show called Creature Comforts. Basic premise: the producers have gone out and interviewed everyday peeps on topics like Keeping Secrets, Health, Sexuality, etc. While the audio remains intact, in place of the actual speakers are claymation sequences featuring animals as the speakers. …

A complex phrase, in which the various parts are enchained

“Barry,” my cousin Mike said, “I think it’s time.” It was clear that my brother didn’t feel the same way, but he only shrugged, which Mike took as agreement. “Dave,” he said, giving the words as much gravity as he could muster, “Go get the dictionary.”

I was nine years old, and a tag-along. I’d walked in on my brother telling a story about how—during school that morning—a girl he knew got her period in the middle of French class. And I laughed like the dickens. And then they called me on it.

After I’d lugged the dictionary down from the spare room, Mike told me to look up the word period and read out the definition.

“The end of a cycle, a series of events, or a single action?”

“Keep going,” he said.

“The full pause with which a sentence closes?”

“Not that.”

“An interval of geologic—“

“Gimme that!” He yanked the book towards him, read down the page, and pointed me towards the definition he’d found. Menstruation: the monthly discharge of blood from the uterus of nonpregnant women from puberty t…

Movie Marathon 5

Clearly, once again, I’m behind on my everything. Movie Marathon 5 is less than forty-eight hours away now, and I ain’t said a word about it here. Don’t chalk this up to secrecy or anything, I just never got around to it. First off, here’s the line up:

Pumping Iron - 10:00AM
Last Night - 11:40AM
Sunset Boulevard - 1:55PM
Kung Fu Hustle - 4:00PM
Lars and the Real Girl - 5:50PM
Bad Lieutenant - 8:16PM
Bon Cop Bad Cop - 10:05PM
Near Dark - 12:16AM
Battle Royale - 2:05AM
Outpost - 4:14AM
Moon - 5:59AM
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - 8:12AM

As always, it’s from Saturday at 10AM to Sunday at 10AM. Unlike past years, we will not be contending with snowstorms, time changes, or hour long empty periods in the middle of the night as a result of math-related ineptitude. I’ll update here a few times during the day and I'll be tweeting away throughout. Jorge will be performing his usual super heroic blogging over at his site, and we’ll have AV material coming out the ying yang (with maybe an …